© 2008 denise

Things I Have Pulled Out of a Dog’s Butt Today

There are some days where I can’t even believe how many different forms of poop crisis I must face.

It really wasn’t long ago when my only real concerns were how green I could make the grass on my front lawn or coordinating my toenail polish with my vast array of corporate-casual outfits. How different life is right now for me, I have neglected my patchy front lawn for the second spring in a row and I have forgotten that I even had toenails, much less what color they are sporting.

Today. Today was one of those days that made me realize how simple those cares are. We could start with the girl. She pooped a LOT, starting early in the morning and ending just before her bath tonight. I’ve never SEEN a baby poo so much in one day! What the hell am I feeding her? And why does it seem like three times as much is coming out of her than what actually goes in?!

And the DOG. Cleaning up after my pup has had it rough points (oh, those morning walks when I was pregnant BLECH), but today was just…charming. Imagine if you will – a 65 lb dog running wind sprints around my postage stamp backyard with a clump of POOPY GRASS hanging out of his butt. Dear readers, if this offends you, do so skip down to the picture of my daughter eating her feet. If you are a dog owner, or have owned a dog in the past you know what kind of random things they eat and consequently pass out the back end. I should be so lucky that it was merely grass and not, say, a pair of socks or a garden hose or something.

This dog, he knows there’s something desperately wrong with his hind end, and while he’s attempting to “run” it off, it’s just not going anywhere. He bends back, tries to nip at his tail, but to no avail. I think I even saw him attempting to perform the quintessential “ass drag” on the lawn. If you know anything at all about greyhounds, you’ll know that they are physically built in such a way that it near impossible to do the “ass drag” for any reason, and for this I know my carpets and area rugs are safe.

Three minutes of me watching him deal with this noisome anal disaster with his comically pathetic butt dragging and I realize that I am forced to help him. By pulling the malodorous clump of poopy grass out of his butt.

Really, that’s not the high point of my day. I got a pedicure too.


But not that kind of pedicure

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